[In the interest of not sharing too much, maybe I should rethink this post and how I word it. It will be back, but maybe a little different]
[Aaaaaand we’re back]
I know that I said this blog wouldn’t be all about me but, occasionally, I think that I should keep you guys updated. Plus, I’m waiting on the submission of a few people who want to share their stories. Anyway, it turns out that I’ve kind of gotten used to writing down what I was thinking and maybe it was more cathartic than I thought. So here I am, back again. For anyone who wants to catch up, the original Down Days book is right HERE to download for free and read. But, for, now…
It hasn’t been a great week. Tiredness has crept into my bones.
So, what’s bothering me this week? This weeks’ Down Days have made me a moaning, whining, annoyingly negative depressive. Yay!
In short, everyone seems to be moving on with their lives. People progress and I’d love to say that I’m happy for them. Instead I’m just left comparing myself and my little sphere of existence to those of others and wondering where I went wrong. At one point I had a career (I never wanted to progress in it, but it was a job that I enjoyed and I knew that I was doing some good) and I had a future ahead of me that I was comfortable with. I was ticking things off of the “Before You Die” list:
Decent job – Check!
Married – Check!
Novels published – Check!
But then The Big Event happened and the ground I was running on fell out from underneath me. Or rather, it turned to quicksand and now I’m up to my neck in suffocating grains, trying to breaststroke through the equivalent of treacle.
Everyone is moving on and I’m still here; the same Down Days roll over me whenever they feel like it. I can see friends around me with the same problems and I’m powerless to help. That’s why the ebook had so little advice, only experience to share. I don’t have any answers. People are getting new jobs, travelling, popping out children like t-shirt cannons at a hipster gig, and I’m back to earning just enough wages to pay my bills and eat, wondering if I’ll ever be stable enough, both mentally and financially, to leap some more life hurdles. I’ve never been one to move through life at the rate expected of me by society. I’ll do what I damn well please when I damn well please it. But still…everyone is doing so annoyingly well.
To be fair, I still have more than a lot of people, I know that and I’m grateful for what I have. But still, I’m surrounded by the progress and successes of others like deafening screams that never stop, and all I want to do is wrap my head in my arms and scream right back.
Sometimes I look back at the day I mentioned in the book, the first time that I could have ended it all (there have been plenty of others since). Just a quick flick of the wrist and my car could have hit a tree, ending it all right there. And everyone would have been free. If I’d have done it then, years ago, maybe the people that I hold back could be happier by now.
Thanks for reading.