It ain’t over

[In the interest of not sharing too much, maybe I should rethink this post and how I word it. It will be back, but maybe a little different]

[Aaaaaand we’re back]

I know that I said this blog wouldn’t be all about me but, occasionally, I think that I should keep you guys updated. Plus, I’m waiting on the submission of a few people who want to share their stories. Anyway, it turns out that I’ve kind of gotten used to writing down what I was thinking and maybe it was more cathartic than I thought. So here I am, back again. For anyone who wants to catch up, the original Down Days book is right HERE to download for free and read. But, for, now…

It hasn’t been a great week. Tiredness has crept into my bones.

So, what’s bothering me this week? This weeks’ Down Days have made me a moaning, whining, annoyingly negative depressive. Yay!

In short, everyone seems to be moving on with their lives. People progress and I’d love to say that I’m happy for them. Instead I’m just left comparing myself and my little sphere of existence to those of others and wondering where I went wrong. At one point I had a career (I never wanted to progress in it, but it was a job that I enjoyed and I knew that I was doing some good) and I had a future ahead of me that I was comfortable with. I was ticking things off of the “Before You Die” list:

Decent job – Check!

Married – Check!

Novels published – Check!

But then The Big Event happened and the ground I was running on fell out from underneath me. Or rather, it turned to quicksand and now I’m up to my neck in suffocating grains, trying to breaststroke through the equivalent of treacle.

Everyone is moving on and I’m still here; the same Down Days roll over me whenever they feel like it. I can see friends around me with the same problems and I’m powerless to help. That’s why the ebook had so little advice, only experience to share. I don’t have any answers. People are getting new jobs, travelling, popping out children like t-shirt cannons at a hipster gig, and I’m back to earning just enough wages to pay my bills and eat, wondering if I’ll ever be stable enough, both mentally and financially, to leap some more life hurdles. I’ve never been one to move through life at the rate expected of me by society. I’ll do what I damn well please when I damn well please it. But still…everyone is doing so annoyingly well.

To be fair, I still have more than a lot of people, I know that and I’m grateful for what I have. But still, I’m surrounded by the progress and successes of others like deafening screams that never stop, and all I want to do is wrap my head in my arms and scream right back.

Sometimes I look back at the day I mentioned in the book, the first time that I could have ended it all (there have been plenty of others since). Just a quick flick of the wrist and my car could have hit a tree, ending it all right there. And everyone would have been free. If I’d have done it then, years ago, maybe the people that I hold back could be happier by now.

 

Thanks for reading.

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11 Comments

  1. Why are the lows so crap? Worse because of the occasional high, that euphoric moment when I believe things are okay… ??? And why do I constantly assume I know how others are feeling? Have you been inside my head Craig… ? A hard read; more so because when I’m feeling that ‘down’ words don’t help much… And it’s certainly what others I worked with over the years shared with me…
    BUT knowing someone else goes through similar crap and comes out the other side does penetrate…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for commenting, Linda. It’s weird, isn’t it? When I’m down, I don’t want to talk, but the words flow out through my fingers. I can’t do anything else, but writing still happens. Maybe I should do a post on it. Thanks for the idea!

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  2. im the same when im down i dont want to talk ,well i cant anyway as i just break down whenever anybody says anything to me ,then i get mad with myself because i feel weak and stupid ,i have had a terrible week with different stuff thats happened ,things are better now but the anticlimax is worse ,the knots in my stomach and the waiting for for something else to happen ,the feeling of numbness my body telling me its ready to break down ,pains in my chest my whole body aches ,but i will put a smile on my face and keep pretending that im ok .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Craig your blog is a breath of fresh air and support, speaking as someone who, at 47, has struggled with clinical depression for most of my life. This year has been particularly difficult, like being stuck under water in a deep well, pulling my partner down with me, trying to navigate a way out but coasting along the bottom and going in circles. As far as professional help goes, I feel like I’ve reached the end of the road where my current GP is concerned. As I sat in tears, trying to explain that the increased antidepressant dose (after a particularly severe bout of depression) was actually making me more depressed and more suicidal than less so, her answer was “what would you like me to do?” I couldn’t answer that one. Instead, I reduced the meds myself and felt sufficiently better to be able to stay on the planet. It’s difficult because, unless you’re very lucky, GPs – quite understandably – often do not have the expertise or resources to treat sufferers of long-term clinical depression. I have had very good and supportive GPs in the past, but after a series of moves which has meant several changes of GPs I feel very much on my own with this. Anyway, I just wanted to add my voice of support for your blog. It is much appreciated and, if nothing else, helps me to feel a little less alone.

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    1. Thanks so much, Izzy. I’m glad it helped a little. As for the GPs, I feel our pain. I’ve been in exactly the same seat. I think this is one of the main problems; Doctors just aren’t prepared for people like us. It’s still so misunderstood. And there’s no flow chart or treatment plan in any journal that will “fix” this problem we have. I think that perhaps more of a focus on psychiatric help might fix it. Americans are depicted as going to therapy all the time (in every movie I’ve ever seen anyway) and I think that’s the way we need to go. To have more access to professionals who can listen rather than just prescribe and hope, that might just improve things for a lot of people.
      Thanks for taking the time to read, Izzy.

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  4. i think your right craig the doctors are not prepared they just sit there nodding there heads as they write you a prescription out ,i actually feel worse when ive been to my gp ,i agree with izzy this blog helps you feel less alone ,i have suffered with depression for a lot of years but as ive got older i feel less able to control it my thoughts are darker then they have ever been ,i cant be a nice person i must be rubbish at everything i do ,is this it ? is this what ive got for the rest of my life ? what shall i do people dont like being around people like me they avoid me ,i notice these things more now ,or is that just me being paranoid i dont know , i know im depressed and i hate this feeling and i hate me

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  5. Yes, I agree. The treatment of depression with drugs is such an imprecise science. I once had a doctor literally twirl their pointed finger above a list of possible drugs before landing on one chosen one very much at random. “Let’s try that one, shall we?” were his exact words! Therapy is a good option and I have had a lot of it – both through the NHS and self funded over the years. Recently, it was suggested that I try accessing the Wellbeing service which offers some free short CBT courses taught in a group setting. Quite basic but still very helpful, although there were only four sessions. I’ve booked on to another one next month for stress and anxiety, again, taking the CBT approach.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Jayne I, too, can relate. Somehow getting older just makes things seem even more pointless in a way. Every day is a struggle, some more so than others, and for no obvious reason. It’s that old feeling ‘the sun is out, the sky is blue, but I just want to kill myself’. At the moment, I can’t predict how I’m going to feel from hour to hour about anything. Thankfully, my partner hasn’t given up on me yet but he has really struggled of late.

    Liked by 1 person

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