Hi everyone! I hope your weekends are going well. So here we have the second Guest Post after the wonderful feedback from last week’s. Patricia has given us an intro into her condition and her experiences of everything that comes along with it:
Patricia Ash is struggling with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. These chronic illnesses brought along their buddy depression and intensified her generalised anxiety disorder. As part of trying to cope, she started a blog called FibroMyalgia Radio (FM radio, get it?). She blogs about what she feels and what helps her and what pisses her off. This post appeared on November 14, 2016:
Sometimes my emotions are missing. This is part of depression. An event will occur, and I’ll think, “Huh. This would usually upset me.” Or, “Oops, I should be enthusiastic about this development.” Sometimes it’s nice. I mean, who wants to be upset? Who really wants to feel angry or guilty or distraught? The empty feeling I get instead of emotion is weird, but it’s certainly better than sobbing until I puke. Sometimes it isn’t nice. I feel inhuman, incapable of delight or pride. I feel like I must be a monster because this thing happened and I’m not happy about it and what sort of person isn’t happy? Sometimes I try to hide this. I will pretend to be happy or sad or whatever the ordinary response would be. I’m a decent actor, so no one has called me out on this. I have a degree in Theatre. I can fake happiness pretty damn well. I never thought I’d use my degree to impersonate a functioning version of myself, but there you go. No one knows what’s coming for them. Sometimes I probably would have a more normal response if I weren’t so damn tired. This is probably the version of missing emotions that happens the most to me. I am just too fatigued to give a shit about anything. There is barely enough energy available to hold my head up, let alone get excited or worked up. I’ve been accused of “not caring” about certain events or things. Well, if my emotions were working properly, I WOULD care. I know I would. I know what does and does not bother Normal Emotions Me. I know she would be an anxious mess or a ball of delight. Unfortunately, Normal Emotions Me often leaves without warning, so No Emotions Me has to take over until she gets back. Cut No Emotions Me some slack, people! She hasn’t got emotions, and she’s doing the best she can! Of course, Normal Emotions Me comes with a generalised anxiety disorder, which is also no walk in the park, but that’s another post for another time.
Thanks for sharing your experiences with us, Patricia. I think that I can relate to an awful lot of what you go through. Especially the part about pretending to have a usual range of emotions. In my case, the only difference is that those switched off parts have a habit of switching themselves back on at the most inopportune moments.
Thanks for reading.