I struggle to be me

Hi everyone.

I sometimes struggle to be me, and it’s nobody’s fault but mine (turn it up, it’s Zeppelin).

There’s a darkness to the world that I talk about often. It’s everywhere, has always been and shall always be. We don’t have the monopoly on a time when humans are shitty to each other. We’ve been doing it for millennia. But that makes it no less depressing to live with.

But there’s light out there, too. I find it in the small actions of others as I mentioned before.But I also find it in the arts, more specifically in the skills of others to express themselves. Painters, poets, playwrights, comedians, actors…the list goes on forever.

Image result for art quotes
Let’s ignore the mistake and just enjoy the sentiment

The problem with this? Sometimes I admire people too much. I see other people’s skills, how they break from mundanity and shine for everyone to see, and I want to do that, too. That leads me along ridiculous paths of collecting skills. People have often asked me what I do in my spare time, and then look agape when I tell them: I write (along with which comes signings and conventions all over the place), I draw, I play guitar, I run games of Dungeons and Dragons, I do leatherwork, I read, I’m a movie lover, but I’m also interested in physics and psychology and history and archaeology and mythology and…bleurgh. Bloody everything.

They look astounded and assume that I’m some kind of savant. I’m really not. I don’t excel at any of these things. Jack of all trades, Master of none. I just get around a bit, that’s all. I see other people’s interests and how bloody amazing they are at them, and I want a piece of their light.

What does that boil down to? I think it’s probably because I don’t feel like I really have something I’m good at. I know artists and authors, archaeologists and leatherworkers. I know people who make and create and are wonderful, colourful people for it. I want to be like that. And so I run around like the goddamn Highlander, collecting skills in a frenzied effort to be relevant. Although I don’t go around smashing warehouse windows, floating with awesome 80’s animated SFX, nor do I have a soundtrack to my life by Queen (unfortunately).

Let’s take it further, since I’m psycho-analysing myself today. I think that struggle to have a way to express myself, to fill my life with skills and knowledge, comes from a single piece of knowledge that I’ve had since I was far too young. This isn’t like having a hamster that dies and learning that occasionally we lose things, since being quite young I’ve known that I am going to die and once I’m gone there’ll be nothing left. That probably led to my curiosity and fascination with the Gothic, the dark and horror. It’s all a study in death (boogedy boogedy, I’m so spooky). What will I leave behind when I take a dirt nap? I have a fear of wasting the brief flicker of time that I have on the planet. It’s not that I want to change the world or anything, I just want to leave something worthwhile behind.

Image result for my legacy
But the library have banned me from researching mind control. They said I was giving them the heebie-jeebies

Therefore, henceforth, moreover and furthermore, since I don’t feel like I’m particularly good at anything, it makes me constantly search for other things that might be my grand calling. Which, of course, is a stupid thing to be looking for because I don’t really believe in that kind of thing. I don’t believe in fate or any other kind of deity-based cosmic events planning. Again with the being a walking contradiction (turn it up, it’s Greenday). I annoy myself, I really do.

If we can take all of that complex over-worded shit and bring it back to depression, then it leads to constantly trying to be someone I’m not. I’m always taking on other people’s skills, trying to be good at what I can’t possibly be good at because we can’t be good at everything. And every time I get to be mediocre at something, it proves to my inner self that I am destined to live an indifferent life with average output and barely passable effect on the world around me. This is the kind of shit that the Depression Monster likes to chow down on, so I’m tipped into a state of melancholy once more.

How messed up is that?

The positive thing? I hear that a lot of creative types suffer with the same feelings (I mention this in greater detail in the ebook), leading to alcoholism (Hemingway) and suicide (Plath) in some cases, so at least I’m in good company! Yahoo! Now open the oven and pass me a beer.

 

Thanks for reading.

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4 Comments

  1. I’ve wallowed in this very line of thinking many, many times. Sometimes I think I can’t be happy unless I’m sad. (So I should be happy all of the time since I am sad all of the time.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this one Craig! I am a ‘skill collector’ as well for fear of having nothing to leave behind. It can get very tiring, especially when your twenties are behind you and time is ticking! What I’m gonna say might be worth you taking on board but then it might make no difference I don’t know, because when you have low self esteem you just can’t get out of that mind set never mind how many compliments you get, but, when I was approaching 30, you were actually one of the people I thought of that made me think, ‘Shit, I really need to get a move on!!’ You were in your late twenties and had already had a book published; I have not achieved anything of that magnitude and am not sure that I ever will! All the people that you look at and envy that make you feel like you’re under achieving on your down days – just remember that you are actually one of those people that other people look at and think..woah, he’s a talented guy! I really think low self esteem sucks absolute balls because it’s making all the creative and talented people not want to be in the world which is NOT ok!! I hope in some way this has helped you to realise that what you’ve already achieved in life is absolutely epic and you should be immensely proud – you deserve to revel not wallow, you really do xx

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    1. 😳 Urm. Wow. Thanks Cleo. That’s an insanely nice thing to say. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you needn’t keep up. Believe me, I’m not doing as well as you might think 😁.
      I guess it comes back to perspective. I just don’t see myself as doing that well. It feels like my wheels are spinning in the dirt, most days.
      I hope that you find the thing that will make you proud of yourself, soon. You deserve it.

      Like

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