[This post starts off negative but bear with me, it doesn’t end that way]
I’d like to talk about perspective with you. You could argue that it’s the one thing that separates a depressive from the rest of the world; as people tell us we’re fine and we should be happy, our existence can be an endless void of conflicting emotions. The only difference between the two? Perspective. Because they can’t see down into our pit and we can’t see the sky from their vantage point.
I’ve gained a lot of perspective over the last five years since The Big Event (you can read all about that in the free ebook on the downloads page). Some people might say that I have gotten a little darker in my outlook, I prefer to say that it has opened up to think about larger issues. However, I’ve also had a change more recently, since leaving nursing in the last six months (again, check the ebook for more on that).
I left nursing for many reasons, the short version being that I was utterly miserable. I was constantly exhausted and frustrated. And so, I left. That has left me without my career, because my anxiety and depression simply won’t let me work in hospitals anymore. The look of the places chill my core and not in the normal way that people hate hospitals and dentists. So I’ve lost the job that I’d worked towards and poured my guts into for a decade. That’s a huge blow.
But I’ve also gained a lot of perspective. What was I worried about all the time? Why did I put myself through the gruelling regime of exhaustion? Because, you know, I’m kinda doing great without it.
I’m no longer bone-tired. I get to spend my evenings withe (withe? I’m bloody Chaucer now!) my wife and friends. Organising a D&D game is way easier and that’s one of the main things that I really enjoy. The pay might be atrocious but I’m getting by OK. Christmas, for instance, is going to be lean this year. Everyone has one small present and that’s all I can afford. But, I’ve always hated the lavishness and excess of Christmas anyway, so that’s a win as far as I’m concerned (I might do a Grinch post later ;D).
Also, at the risk of sounding like an absolute prat, there are other benefits that I never even considered. One in particular s going to sound absolutely twatish. I used to go to work in the dark, come home in the dark, and be crushed under the harsh neon glare of strip lighting in between. If I was on night shifts over winter, I could sometimes go for five days straight without seeing sunlight. But now, every morning, I see the sunrise. Every day. Doncaster may smell like dog biscuits and weed most of the time but, driving into town over the bridge, I see the most amazing sky. That sight every morning helps me to forget everything that’s going on beneath it just for five minutes of every day. The extra bonus? I get the same view going home again in the evening. My days now start and end with the most spectacular natural sight. That sunrise/set are the brackets that separate my work from the main sentence of my home life. When you think about it like that, doesn’t existence seem just a little easier to handle?
So that’s my shift in perspective, at least on my up days. Long may they reign.
Thanks for reading.