Yes, I’m back in therapy. I think it’s about time I tried again. If any of you have read the free ebook on the downloads page you’ll know that I tried therapy twice before. Well, counselling. The first time was a complete waste of effort as the therapist didn’t really listen but just told me to meditate and listen to whale song. Can you imagine me doing that? I need to get OUT of my own head, not further into it. The second was better, actually, but I had only three sessions before she said that because I wasn’t showing signs of killing myself, that was all I could have. I swear to Cthulhu, that’s a direct quote.
Anyway, I’m trying again. And this time, it’s personal….
No it isn’t, I just wanted an opportunity to quote Jaws 4. Back to reality:this time, I’m paying for it. I’ve had a couple of sessions, one being a preliminary and the other being an actual session. I like this new therapist. She’s actually really good. I have a firm belief that counsellors should listen more than they proselytise, and that’s what she does.
It was kind of funny actually, I felt a bit sorry for her in the last session. Mostly because I don’t think she was ready for the complete avalanche of shit that came out of me. In previous attempts, the other counsellors seemed to think that because I was willing to talk about how I was feeling and had already done a lot of soul-searching and self-psychoanalysis, that I was either insincere or didn’t need any help. As you guys know, that’s far from the truth. Just because I’ve become comfortable with my demons doesn’t mean that I want them sitting on my sofa watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine reruns until I go wrinkly and die. This counsellor, however, simply seemed impressed (which is nice, if I’m honest).
I’ve done a hell of a lot of work becoming aware of my flaws, ticks, and compulsions over the last five or six years. I’ve strung together a lot of loose ends to figure out why I am the way I am, and being truly honest with yourself is fucking hard work. Writing Down Days and continuing this blog was one of the most petrifying things I’ve ever done. So it’s nice to have someone who isn’t close to you say “that’s good”.
A few things seemed to pique her interest last time:
- I have an issue making friends
- I don’t really “do” family
- I write this blog
I can’t help watching people’s body language, as you know, and her pen scribbled at each of those. Slightly worrying because she’s probably going to want to talk about them next time. As you guys know, there are still some answers that I don’t have and two of them are in that list. So, that’ll be interesting.
The final thing, the annoying thing, the thing that really pisses me off, is that I still can’t keep my emotions in check. I’m going to write a full post on it at a later date, possibly the next one, but it really annoys me that I can’t help crying. It isn’t even the showing emotion that bothers me anymore, it’s the fact that it cuts me off mid-sentence and doesn’t bloody let me finish. It slows me down, interrupts my thought process, and wastes time that I could be talking with the counsellor.
If I could fix one thing, it’d be that.
Anyway, I’ll keep you all posted on how it goes, unless I end up being sectioned, in which case I’ll be too busy flinging vanilla pudding at the walls to type.
I hope you’re all having a good week, day, or even a five minute reprieve from whatever it is you struggle with.
Thanks for reading.