Sorry for the proverbial radio silence lately. It’s been a little mental (excuse the phrasing) over here.
So, I started a new job. There’s always a period of adjustment with such things but this has been a complete baptism of fire. The job is working at a funeral home, so I’m pretty much surrounded by dead folks all day. I know that might make some people cringe, but I’m finding working with grieving families to be pretty rewarding. The flip side of that enjoyment is that this is one of the busiest places I’ve ever worked, and bear in mind that I used to be a nurse, so that really says something. Still, it’s a lot of fun, if a little frustrating when I can’t get everything done in a day that I’d like.
Taking on that level on concentration has been pretty tough, Down Days-wise. Having to meet all new people, try to come across as something like a vaguely functioning human and trying to do well with my new post has left me a little fried. So, no time for blogging, I’m afraid.
I’ve been working full-time, too, which I haven’t done in a along time. When I was struggling with nursing, I dropped my hours to be able to function, and have just taken the resulting poverty as par for the course. Then my job at the college was quite low-stress and low workload, so I’m really out of practice.
Anyways, then there’s the rest of life. I’ve had something on almost every night. In my latest therapy session, I yawned so much that I had to keep apologising. Speaking of which…
So the therapy is either going well or isn’t going to do anything at all. To be fair, my new counsellor is lovely and I feel completely at ease with her. She’s the right balance of friendly and professional which I admire. We’ve mostly talked about the past so far; my upbringing, how I fit in with my family, how my Down Days manifest, how I develop relationships with friends etc.
The short version, is I’m a fucking weirdo. But we knew that already. I think I’m taking a little something away from it, though. Mostly that I’m a product of a lot of shitty things that have happened to me over the years and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about any of that. Also, I realised the other day (as I was leaving) that one of my Down Days triggers is that fact that I try to maintain a normal visage to everyone around me. I know that a lot of you can relate to this:
It’s exhausting, pretending to be normal.
Yep. We all know this, but I never realised how that could kick off a Down Day. How often have I had to attend some event surrounded by new people or people that I can’t be myself around, and then felt exhausted to the point of curling into a ball afterward? It takes a lot of energy to be upbeat when your demons are screaming. Maintaining my facade of normality is probably quite bad for me. But, I can’t stop. Why? Because of the other thing that has come up so often in the sessions: I have a real issue with depending on people. Mostly because I had bad experiences as a kid, I think, that taught me that people are unreliable and I can only rely on myself. But also that I’ve been forced to be a cuckoo my life events, been forced to rely on people when I was younger and felt completely out of place and horrible for needing that. Therefore, I won’t do it anymore.
The next stage, obviously, is that I should learn some way to deal with these things, some change of perspective. But it’s my personality. It’s how I’m wired, and people can’t just be re-tuned. So how the hell do I manage that? I have no idea. Let’s hope the next session has something for me.
Thanks for reading.