Regaining Me

[This was written before the emotional crash of THIS POST and scheduled for later, so it may seem a little out of place in the timeline but I still wanted to post it, if that makes sense? Probably not. Never mind. Consider it as an aside.]

 

Hi everyone,

Who are we, really?

When we strip away outside expectations, social pressures, money worries, a lack of sleep and a grumbling stomach, what’s left?

As part of trying to figure out what’s been going entirely wrong with my brain for the last few years, I’ve been on a bit of a journey of self discovery. I’ve certainly picked apart my past and how I’m affected by it. I think I know pretty much how I tick, now, even if I’m not exactly happy about how the cogs fit together.

Now I’ve gotten as far as I can both alone and with therapy, it’s time to think about something else. Who am I, when I set aside all of the neuroses and behavioural…bleurgh.

The answer, I think, is which parts of me am I actually happy with?

Not many, of course, but there are some.

It came to me as I watched a couple of documentaries the other night. I’ve had a stomach bug over the weekend (avoiding details) and so I’ve been pretty much comatose for a few days, but it’s forced me to rest and catch up on some things that I’ve been wanting to watch.

The first was a documentary on the Foo Fighters, a favourite band of mine and one of the few that I’ve been following from the beginning of their career. Watching that documentary made me so…bloody…happy. I don’t know whether it was listening to the music that I haven’t heard in a while or something else, but I felt great after watching it.

The next documentary was one on alien cover-ups and conspiracies (I know, I know, shut up). I just find it interesting, ok? But that sense of wonder, of the weird and unknown, of theΒ possible, that gave me a squiggle of the happies as well.

Why had it taken me so long to do this? Why had I put it off? What did that all mean?

Well, I think it means that I’ve gotten so used to being wrapped up in my various worries and troubles, both imagined and real, that I’d forsaken the things that made me feel like me. I’d forgotten what it felt like. Here’s how being me feels when the depression has been set aside:

  • Reading – Fantasy, poetry, strange and fascinating subjects
  • Listening – Foo Fighters, The Cure, 80’s music of all kinds
  • Watching – Documentaries on weird things, fantasy, sci-fi and horror movies
  • Writing – Just writing, really.
  • Misc – Playing D&D and generally being a geek

I think that, in a world so filled with shiny-shinies, I’d drifted away from the things that I actually like doing, just so that I can see all the other things that people say I should.

Last weekend, I watched those documentaries, I worked on the next novel, I read a graphic novel (Saga, if you’re wondering) and I listened to music that made me feel something.

Although I was also fighting off some horrendous stomach cramps and…other details…I felt like me again. I don’t think I’ve felt like that in a very long time. If only I can maintain it.

What makes you, you, when everything else is stripped away?

 

Thanks for reading.

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11 Comments

  1. This is just what I’m doing at the moment. I’m keeping strong & recharging by: reading my favourite paranormal, fantasy, cozy crime. Keeping up-to-date with my favourite sites like Hookland & Folk Horror Revival​. Watching interesting TV & some junk! Also I’m not able to work on my first draft but I know it’s​ waiting for me. Keep strong & rested.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think that I forgot to look after myself and slow down every now and then. I need to remember the self care thing that I tell others to do. I’m such a hypocrite hahaha

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      1. No you’re not. For me it’s like being caught up in a whirlwind when my anxiety really kicks in. All I can do is try to self care in between. I thank God I have my wonderful daughters, and soon to be son in law, if nothing else I can watch them gaming on Final Fantasy 14!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. although i do not suffere with depression, i do have down days because of the life i lead, like you, i wont give gruesom details πŸ™‚ also like you i have learned that it is all too easy to stop being me to become the person others need, i have finally learned after 30 odd years that i matter too, so now i strip away the crap, an i do me stuff, when ever life allows, an sometimes whether others like it or not πŸ™‚ yesterday saw me at a Big Steampunki Festival, now thas my Jazz, and i need to be with my own kind more often, πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So to hear that you suffer Down Days, too. Although it seems you have a good handle on when to do things for self care purposes, so that’s great. Enjoy your Steampunk events!

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      1. Yes, I’m a Steamer, but that is the only event I have been to because of the amount of arrangement required for me to get out of the house, it a logistical nightmare πŸ™‚ but I do have some excellent friends too x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. A fellow Steampunkinator! 😁

        Urgh. Logistics. What a pain in the backside. I’m glad you’ve got a good group to help you out though. How was the event? Lots if tea and crumpets etc? Hope you had a blast.

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  3. Stomach bug… that was before the crash, right? There’s nothing like a gut fail to wipe out energy reserves in a really literal way, and if things are precarious, that can be a push over the edge. I’m finding when things are like this, it works well to treat them as bodily ills, and nurse them accordingly with warm things, and rest and comforting distractions. Not least because i think quite a lot of the time they are body things more than head things. I also find that the shift to colder weather can make my body have a bit of a panic, because winter is tough, and historically was often much tougher than it is now, and I get in early on the winter despair thing. Sunlight can be helpful, I find.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s right, the bug came first. I thinking knocked me enough that, with other things going on, it was inevitable that a downer was going to happen. As I get over the physical stuff, it’s easier to start taking the mental things one by one, now, and building it back up again.
      Thanks for commenting, as always. I really do appreciate it 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I found that once I became able to spot the body things early and thus not let my head get invested in the flump, it’s been easier to manage. Took me quite some time, but it does really help.

        Liked by 1 person

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